Saturday Superhero Satire: Heroic Headgear Power Rankings

Posted on January 30, 2021Comments Off on Saturday Superhero Satire: Heroic Headgear Power Rankings

KennedyHawk:  Howdy heroes! KennedyHawk and Amerikano here from the MCM podcast to talk about a very serious topic. For the foreseeable future we want to bring some brightness to your Saturday morning. The kids are watching cartoons and you need something to occupy your time. Welcome Saturday Superhero Satire where we write a short post about fresh frivolous topics in the realm of Marvel Champions. For this introductory insight we’ll be talking about a highly debated topic. Power Rankings! Everyone loves a good tier list and to debate who’s worst and who’s best. Without further ado let’s present are Power Rankings for Heroic Headgear.

Amerikano: Let’s keep these nice and short, shall we? Because, let’s be real, Saturday morning cartoons don’t exist anymore and YouTube can only hold your kid’s attention for so long.

KennedyHawk: Let’s go from first to worst. The Ultron-like robot that determines how long people read out articles says that most people have already stopped!.

1st Place:

Ant-Man’s Helmet (KennedyHawk)

Ant-Man’s Helmet (Amerikano)

KennedyHawk: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. I love pym particles! What I like better is getting the reward of Pym Particles without spending a resource using a permen-ANT on the field. Ant-Man’s helmet is a straight up legend. My favorite part is it’s casual use as a bookend. You would think a hero wouldn’t need more of what they are good at – but in ant man’s case it’s pretty import-ANT. Anyway I’m gettin’ kind of ANT-sy what say you Amerikano?

Amerikano: Wow. Uh, this is the only helmet in the game that I will play no matter the cost. Period. I don’t have any puns, though. Was I supposed to come up with puns?

KennedyHawk: Don’t have any puns – or cAN’T make them? I’ll be here all morning.

Americano: (e_e)

2nd Place

Mark V Helmet (KennedyHawk)

Thor’s Helmet (Amerikano)

Amerikano: A fair cost (2) for +5 hit points is not too expensive for Thor. This gives you a bit of much needed breathing room to set up your board state. Also, playing it gets rid of a pesky science resource from my deck. I want all the lightnings. And those wings(?) though!

KennedyHawk: You know what really makes me sweat as Iron Man? Threat! How does Tony handle it. Certainly not a base 2 thwart and an in kit ready every turn. Regardless the Mark V Helmet offers Iron Man a lot of pluses, well hand size plus per turn to be more specific. How a helmet removes threat from many places at the same time is still a mystery to me. One I’m sure I could solve if I was Tony Stark.

3rd Place:

Wasp’s Helmet (KennedyHawk)

Wasp’s Helmet (Amerikano)

KennedyHawk: The insect duo is complete. I love Wasp’s helmet, the ability to toggle from +1 ATK to +1 THW is amazing. Nadia continues the excellent theme of storing your helmet somewhere not on your head and then using it mid battle. Very helpful! It stings me to say this but at the time of writing marvelcdb doesn’t have the image for this helmet yet. Major shout-out to hallofheroeslcg.com instead!

Amerikano: I’m glad you didn’t come up with any more insect puns. They really bug me. That being said, this helmet is solid. My favorite use is the +1 THW because who doesn’t want 3 THW besides a Justice player? So basically what I’m saying is that it comes in handy for any of the aspects I prefer pair with her.

4th Place:

Thor’s Helmet (KennedyHawk)

Iron Man’s Helmet (Amerikano)

Amerikano: I think the best sting about this card is that is a 1 cost Tech upgrade. It is usually a pretty automatic play unless I also have Arc Reactor and can’t play them both (for some reason).  Still, a very solid helmet. I wouldn’t expect anything less from a genius, billionaire inventor. 

KennedyHawk: Following the top three is a tough act! Thor’s Helmet gives Thor much of what he already has. Extremely expensive cards, more hit-points, and amazing flowing locks. More seriously the hit point boost is appreciated especially as you’ll be headbutting with a lot of minions and such. Clearly this headgear is very protective – hence Thor is making such a happy face about wearing it.

5th Place:

Captain America’s Helmet (KennedyHawk)

Captain America’s Helmet (Amerikano)

KennedyHawk: Okay – we are getting into the not so great helmets now. Cap’s helmet is so useful I’m going to assume he’s taking it off – not putting it on in the art. Yes – an extra life on a stick is great… until player two draws a treachery to damage each friendly character. Generally, if I’m triggering this ability I’ve either already won the game – or already lost. At least it’s cheap?

Amerikano: Probably the worst card in Cap’s hero kit. But I don’t know if that really tells us much because his kit is pretty amazing. I mean, this one is good for theme? But between Cap’s Shield and Shield Block, I better not be dying!

6th Place:

Bulldozer’s Helmet (KennedyHawk)

Captain Marvel’s Helmet (Amerikano)

Amerikano: What?! Is this even allowed? I need to jump on Discord really fast to ask The Card Text. I’ll won’t even bother putting my thoughts down about my #6 helmet.

KennedyHawk: in perfect Pietro – Bet you didn’t see that coming! 6th place for me falls to this villain’s Helmet. Bulldozer’s helmet hits like a truck – maybe even like a bulldozer. But don’t sleep on this helmet 

Amerikano: Nothing grinds my gears like discarding cards from the top of my deck.

KennedyHawk: I know one card I’d like to discard.

7th Place:

Captain Marvel’s Helmet (KennedyHawk)

(Amerikano)

KennedyHawk: That’s right Carols “signature” headpiece. What a piece of junk, nothing screams “Spend me as a resource!” quite like this card. This helmet is so bad it’s the only hero gear not shown in the bottom corner images. It’s like they want us to forget it exists. +2 DEF to a hero I’ll almost never defend with. If this card text was blank it’d only be moderately worse. 

Amerikano: Haha. Don’t forget, it might only get you +1 DEF. This is garbage. Straight up basura. 

Wait, so what you’re saying is that the only upside to this headgear is that Yellowjacket’s Tech Theft scheme isn’t horrible against it? Barf. 

KennedyHawk:  Well there you have it! Our first of many Saturday Superhero Satire. What’s your favorite heroic headgear? When do you think we’ll get our next helmet? Check back next week when we rank/debate/pull-punches-on another ridiculous Marvel Champions topic.